i'm actually feeling in control today, at least in terms of my diet: i didn't binge-eat yesterday. it's a nice feeling.
brittanymarie.neocities.org
my blog/journal
i decided to go to work. maybe i’ll use my sick day on friday? the problem is that there isn't anyone who is reasonably capable of covering my shift. the new guy is somewhat trained for BOH so it would probably be up to him, or they would ask the morning baker to stay till close which would be a ridiculously long shift for her. either way it would be a huge pain in the ass for my coworkers. i'm entitled to three paid sick days & i probably won't use any of them out of guilt (or unless i am genuinely violently ill, of course). it's hard for me not to overthink these types of situations. a normal person would just take the day without a second thought but not me, i worry too much. i need to grow a spine & just take the day.
my shift today was okay, i definitely should have called in because it was completely dead. tomorrow will probably be stupid busy to compensate.
i started reading Billy Budd by Herman Melville which is slightly serendipitous because one of my friends recommended it while we were out for coffee on saturday. i use an online randomizer to pick from my TBR so it's not like i chose it on purpose, sometimes life is just funny like that. i'm already a good way through it since it's so short. i'm not sure what my thoughts are right now, but that's probably because i've been feeling exhausted since this morning. i woke up later than normal. my pills always knock me out but maybe i didn't sleep well, who knows. or maybe i'm just recovering from my busy weekend.
i'm really dragging my feet with Silent Hill 3. i want to love it so badly but something about it just isn't gripping me.
had dinner at mom's tonight.
i'm questioning whether or not i should use a sick day tomorrow. i really need to get my bloodwork done at the hospital for my upcoming endo appointment but i feel incredibly guilty at the idea of "abandoning" my team.
i went out of my comfort zone today & had coffee with some friends, one of whom being a girl i'd never met before. i was nervous but ultimately it went okay - she was lovely, bright, intelligent, a natural conversationalist; all qualities that i admire. i just hope i didn't embarrass myself. my brain keeps telling me i did but i'm trying to ignore it. i had a chai tea latte, a regular coffee, & a chocolate-banana muffin that was too warm & too chocolatey; it was melting everywhere & watching me attempt to eat it was probably a spectacle.
i've decided to name my damaged Smoke wolf Lenarshe - a reference to a character i like from the game Eternal Poison.
i'm not really enjoying the book i'm reading, The Last Dragonslayer by Jasper Fforde. i get that the humour is meant to be quirky & charming but i honestly find it completely grating & unconvincing. i'm ready to be done with it.
yesterday’s shift was horrific & kicked the hell out of me but i’m only in for 6 & a half hours today which isn’t too bad. i spoke to the union rep finally & everything should be okay so long as i have a doctor’s note. so i’m feeling generally better about things. plus, tomorrow’s friday!
i have no money though after spending too much on my plushie DISO: a dryer-damaged Smoke wolf by Douglas. i already have a mint condition Smoke wolf but i've been specifically wanting a damaged one to turn into an ESSA. i’m SO excited for her to arrive. i still have to think of a name…
my 10 hour shift starts in a few minutes. ugh, i’m so tired.
12:54pm
feeling cranky, hopeless, irritated, out-of-control. i just want this day to end.
we got a lot of snow overnight so Steve & i were positive that the college was gonna be closed, but unfortunately we weren’t so lucky. work was slow as a result though, which was nice.
i have to have an awkward conversation with our union rep at some point, probably tomorrow. i need to request an accommodation to upper management & i’m extremely anxious about it. they keep pressuring me to be trained for FOH but customer-facing work is just something i can’t do. i’m worried the union rep will tell me to toughen up or something even though i have a genuine & medically recognized mental health disability.
i’m almost through with The Ruins & i’m excited to get started on a different book.
me today. this time in 2026 i vow to be 30 pounds lighter.