well, i removed my blog posts again. something inside me just wasn't satisfied with them. so, here's to another fresh start, & hopefully some more regular updates.
some of you might remember that around the start of July i finally got a job again after months of being unemployed. things have been going pretty well! i work at a popular thrift store chain in the production department. most days i'm just rolling carts & restocking shelves in the housewares section. a lot of people would probably find the work tedious, but i'm honestly enjoying it. it's a surprisingly physical job but i don't mind it since i like being on my feet - it helps the time go by. combined with my commute to & from the building, i'm averaging about 30,000 steps per day. walking so much for five days a week was a big adjustment at first but now i'm pretty much used to it. i'm losing weight too, which is a huge bonus. so overall, i'm content. the additional income has of course been extremely helpful & has taken a load off Steve; he was amazingly supportive when i wasn't working, but i could tell that things being so tight was stressful for him. i like feeling as though i'm properly contributing to the household. i also no longer have the urge to overspend my paychecks, either - there's just not a lot i really want right now other than books (of course). i was extremely nervous at the idea of working in retail again but so far it's been nothing but a positive experience for me.
one thing i've been dwelling on a lot lately is my social situation. there's a girl at work who i deeply admire & want to befriend, but after some thinking & some personal digging & introspection, i've decided that it's probably best for me to stop trying so hard to make friends. it seems impossible to find others who naturally reciprocate curiosity & effort, which i suppose makes sense - most people love to talk about themselves. but it really hurts me when the interest i show in another person's life isn't returned. & i guess i've been a little obsessive over the idea of having a best friend who i'm super close with. i think right now i need to focus on learning to enjoy my own company & to find genuine beauty & joy in solitude... but it's hard. at my core, i am deeply lonely. i have Steve, & after that probably two close-ish friends, but even with them i often don't feel truly "seen." it's hard for me to articulate. when i'm around people in real life, especially at work, or at restaurants or bars, or at school, i feel like a complete social failure & an outcast. people can sense immediately that i'm weird. i don't know how to act any different. so the thought of meeting just one person who matches my energy & intensity & shares my niche interests & everything else... of course it's something i dream of. but maybe i'm placing too much importance on it, maybe i'll never truly have a "best friend" like so many other people seem to have. if i'm being honest, i feel like withdrawing completely from all social interactions - you could call it "giving up." i have a rich interior life, of course i want to share it with somebody, but if it's not possible, then why linger on it? why obsess & agonize over it? i have Steve & my cats. maybe there's truly nothing else for me out there, in another person. there has to be a way to turn this loneliness into something positive.
anyway, that's how i've been feeling. work is good, i'm getting healthy, & i'm making money.