unfortunately, i've sunk into a deep depression. everything feels like a chore - updating my website, interacting with my hobbies, exercising, etc. i feel extremely guilty about quitting my job but it had to be done, i just couldn't continue, it was agonizing. relying on Steve's income alone doesn't feel good. i've been the sole "breadwinner" in all my previous relationships so this is really affecting my self-worth. i'm so lucky to have Steve though, he has shown me nothing but affection & complete positivity throughout this entire ordeal, & reassures me constantly that everything is okay. i just don't want to be a burden or a liability to him.
the only thing i've mainly had the energy for is lying in bed & reading. i try to get some fresh air by walking to pick up an iced coffee, but even that is sometimes too much & i go the whole day without making it outside. i haven't been doing any colouring since my electric sharpener broke. i've been completely avoiding my plushie collection by keeping the toyroom door closed. my friends invite me downtown to hang out but i make excuses. Steve & i still go out for our dates on Saturday but i become exhausted super fast & we have to rush home.
i haven't felt this bad in a long time. i want to work but i'm so limited in what i'm capable of on account of my various disabilities. i don't have a lot of practical skills, either. i want to go to school but i'm scared of the debt. i just feel stuck & a little worried about my future. i feel like a useless person, basically.
on top of everything i'm just worried in general, even when there's nothing really to worry about. my brain makes things up & invents scenarios. what if we lose the apartment, what if i lose my medical coverage, what if i have to move back home, what if i have to sell my books & my plushies, what if i have to rehome my cats, what if all my friends hate me, blah blah blah. if i'm not reading i'm doomscrolling or i'm worrying.
i'm trying to find joy in the small things & to stay present by living life day-to-day, but it's hard. i just want to snap out of this. i wish i still had a psychiatrist, but he discharged me for missing two appointments while i was working. my family doctor sent a new referral to the clinic but it could take months before i'm accepted again.
anyway, that's my current situation. i have an appointment with the family doc on Thursday, & then on Friday i'm going to try my best to make it downtown & spend some time with my friend K. she just moved to the city from our hometown. i feel bad that i haven't been able to celebrate with her much because of my situation, but she's been really understanding about it.
i'm so genuinely thankful for the people in my life who are supportive. it really means a lot.