this week has been exhausting. it’s reading week at the college, & because the morning baker chose to take the week off i’ve been going in & doing the opening bake. thankfully the store has been SUPER dead so there’s no crazy rushes to deal with, but the work is still a lot for me, especially since these past few weeks i feel like i’ve been pushed to my limit. my doctor’s appointment to discuss my accommodations was moved to Monday thankfully - i booked the day off. i don’t feel guilty calling in anymore because i’m just so completely Done. i’m worried my doctor won’t approve my request for less hours; & if he does, i’m worried that my job won’t agree to accommodate me. i’m not overly worried about having to leave, but i’d like to keep at least a small source of income for the time being. everything feels so up-in-the-air right now; it's really stressing me out. i hate waiting & not-knowing.
brittanymarie.neocities.org
my blog/journal
another Saturday spent downtown at our favourite restaurant. picked up some plushies - Douglas Kita akita & Douglas Dancer wolf, the latter of which i didn't expect to love so much since he's pretty small & stiff. i've named him Cousin.
i've gotten to the point with my job where i'm extremely miserable every shift. passing the time is agony. the amount of tasks i have to complete in such a small window of time, the stress, the urgency... it's all too much. i really wanted to quit yesterday, "effective immediately," but i talked myself out of it. instead i requested fewer hours. i have an appointment with my doctor mid-March regarding my accommodations, but i'm not sure if i can hold out till then. i'm just utterly spent. i think working maybe twice a week or even three times would be manageable. we'll see...
last night i had an upsetting dream. it was totally stupid but i haven't stopped thinking about it all day.
Valentine's Day was wonderful but i don't feel like writing much about it. Steve made me an adorable card, we got lunch & did some shopping. it was just a really great day - no notes.
right now i'm feeling weird. i saw K earlier & it was nice; she's in a tricky situation but i'm happy to see that she's doing well despite it. we met downtown & i walked both ways, something i used to do frequently but haven't in a while, mostly because i'm always tired from working, plus i just haven't had the time - also on account of my job. it felt good to get some exercise & listen to music. i had Cheesecake with me but didn't get any photos of her.
i'm a little depressed tonight. i'm in bed with my laptop & Cheesecake & my book, just trying to relax. i feel troubled, unnerved. i'm not sure why. kind of restless, too, like i'm waiting for something to happen but i don't know what.
yesterday while we were out i saw a little girl with an ESSA! she had a Douglas General german shepherd, which made me lowkey jealous since he's hard to find right now. she had him in full gear & on a leash! i asked her if he was her ESSA & she said yes, so i popped Lenarshe's head out from my bag in solidarity & she gasped super loud before getting embarrassed & walking away with her mom. the interaction definitely meant more to me than for her; it was validating, in a way, even though she was only a child & i'm nearly 30. i thought i was the only one in my area with this hobby. i would love to somehow guage if there would be any interest in an organized event - it would definitely mostly be kids & their parents but i love to daydream about hosting something like that. i wish i lived in a big city like Toronto...
i didn’t realize that today is Friday the 13th. well, nothing too scary happened other than work but luckily my shift was only 4 hours.
the overconsumption & price-gouging in the Douglas community is stressing me out. i’ve been avoiding instagram as a result.
i need to stop worrying that all my coworkers hate me when i go on my 30 minute break.
halfway through my shift right now, then more work tomorrow before the long weekend! i’m excited, especially because Saturday is Valentine’s Day. even when i was single i loved Valentine’s Day; i’m a sucker for anything heart-shaped & the whole aesthetic of it is super cute to me. Steve & i don’t have anything crazy planned - just lunch at our favourite spot like usual. then i have plans on Sunday with my best friend K, who i haven’t seen since before Christmas, & then on Monday i plan on doing absolutely nothing.
i started taking my Metformin regularly as prescribed & it’s actually helping to stifle my appetite which is a relief. i’ve been binge-free for two days now.
Lenarshe (the damaged Douglas Smoke wolf i’ve been expecting) arrived yesterday! she is beautiful & i’m SO happy. i can’t wait to take her on adventures.
7:19pm
when i see people in public who used to know me from high school i want to run & hide.
today was really good. Steve & i had lunch at our favourite spot (which we’d been avoiding these past few weeks for financial reasons), after that we had some cake at a newly-opened cafe & then did a little shopping. he got me two Douglas dogs from the toy store - Alps the bernese mountain dog & Kingsley the cavalier king charles spaniel! i couldn’t stop smiling.
there was a woman at the bus terminal who sneezed several times without covering her mouth which really irritated me. i don’t understand people who brazenly open-mouth cough like that; it grosses me out & badly triggers my OCD.
lately i’m having some trouble with my right hand: extreme stiffness & pain in my knuckles & the bottom joints of my fingers. last night i woke suddenly around 12am yelling in pain; Steve woke up & rushed to get me some Advil, which helped enough to get me back to sleep. it started months ago as a dull ache but over the past few days the pain seems to only be getting worse. i’m worried that it’s arthritis or something. i have a referral from my doctor for an x-ray at the clinic but god knows when i’ll find the time to do that.
i actually mustered the courage to call in today & i'm glad i did. i walked to the hospital, had a coffee, & got my bloodwork done. i also splurged on a Chief german shepherd by Douglas, which is a plush i've had my eye on for a while. i have a few more plushies coming in the mail, too; i'm excited.
i finished Billy Budd & i ended up really loving it even though i had to use a study guide a couple times. i'm feeling more confident about my eventual reading of Moby Dick as a result since Billy is generally considered to be the more difficult text. the randomizer selected Piranesi by Susanna Clarke as my current read, though, which is also fine; it's about time i read something kindof relevant.